My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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