i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
