The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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