My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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