his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
