I think my fart just growled at me.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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