My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
