I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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