Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
