Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
