I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
