Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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