On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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