one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
