I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i barfeds in our rink
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
