We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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