Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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