Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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