I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
