It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
