How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
