my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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