My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
