maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
