It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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