you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
