Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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