The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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