Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
