I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I deserve this hangover.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
