It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
