Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
