So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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