Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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