I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
