i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
