3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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