I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize