I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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