Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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