she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
