Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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