I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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