if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
