And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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