we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
