ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
