so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
my liver is dry heaving
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
