He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
