Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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