I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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