my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
