There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
