She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
