sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
