1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
