i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
