i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
