I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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